Diary Entries

How should I put this... Lockdown has been a turbulent wave. Full of its ups and downs, moments of fresh air and moments when you're drowning. Trying to swim to the other side has certainly been one learning experience. It took me too long to realise that to survive clicking on and off Google classroom all day, I needed to re-arrange my whole room. I needed a desk in front of a window. A water station, and English breakfast tea. It took me too long to realise that motivation comes in bursts, and can't be switched on and off like a lamp. That sometimes, if I don't cut my friends off or ignore messages to go complete a task, that task may lay unfinished for weeks. I remember this one rare small gathering with a few of my friends. It was after restrictions had eased a little, and we were allowed to go visit parks in small groups. Nothing could describe how excited I was for the week leading up to it. Can you imagine? Being able to have proper social interaction? We had joked that our "social skills have gone out the window" and how "my sense of humour is dead", and in the moment, we all laughed it off and treated it like the joke it was meant to be. But coming home, I realised just how disconnected I felt from the rest of them. Thinking over every interaction we had, everything that was said, and it all felt so... tiring. By the time I was clicking onto a tutoring zoom lesson, I couldn't keep my eyes open, nor stop yawning. Every day I've wished to see my friends again, to laugh in a group, and to hear their real voices without the robotic distortion from glitchy wifi. Yet I failed to consider how jarring it would all be. We're going back to school in a week, and I don't even know how it's possible to feel so ecstatic yet dread it at the same time. I'm reaching the land past the waves, yet there's something so foreign about it, I just want to float and drift away... I guess I shall see you on the other side. <3

When the world stopped Covid made the world stand still. It felt like it was a time to actually breathe, to take advantage of a time to be quiet, and a time for reflection. The natural world could recover just a little bit. Connections became important in a different way. My hope is that we will remember what it was like, to be less busy, to have concern for others, and realise that community is important.

I am an adult woman with ADHD. I have grown up with an alcoholic, bipolar abusive mother; and a wonderful dad who has taught me all he can and continues to. I am the carer for my 16yr old sister, who also grew up with my mother, and has a different father worse than our mother. Covid-19 hasn't proven exceptionally stressful for me.. if anything, it has taken away many of the pressures of society on a neuro diverse mind. I can happily spend my days away from the majority of society, in my garden, or shed, perhaps renovating our home. I consider myself a hedge-witch of sorts and am happy to reside in a world of nature and nurture, being a custodian for the land and all her creatures. My fiance J. and I are very fortunate where we are now. We both grew up on the coast, in the Illawarra. He from Dapto in the southern suburbs, and me from Wombarra up north way. We moved in a desperate state four years ago, in debt, stressed, depressed and at our wits ends.. alot has happened up and down since, but we've been able to purchase our own home because we moved to the Wiradjuri Country in the west of NSW(out past Wagga) and there are many places desperate for workers with low rents etc. but now the pandemic has hit, we are also safer than our friends and family back on the coast. Lower population density means it's harder to spread the disease - unfortunately though, we also have far fewer hospitals etc far further between.. Wilcannia being the ultimate example - that poor mob :( outsiders infected them, the government failed then blamed them, and until a youtuber made a stand nobody even reported the truth of how bad it was for that mob up there and still the government are only just now providing em with the beginnings of services.. no rush on the vaccines to replace those taken away before the outbreak there. It's bad days in many ways.. but the politics make everything worse. The good news is the wet season we've had this year. People don't like floods, but the land needs fire and flood to thrive. 2019 was a brutal fire season heralding the end of the drought far and wide, since we've had floods of all variety, full billabongs, water in Kati Thanda(Lake Eyre), I've even seen clear waters in the bidgee! All things come in a cycle and before we know our pandemic too will be history - as will these words.

Friday July 31 lockdown diary 9 am. Read paper. This iPad screen’s filthy! I’ll find E.’s excellent cleaning cloth. Tablecloth is also filthy. If E. ever clears the table I’ll wipe it down. Check weather app. 4% chance of rain. Would love some rain. Did I have a shower yesterday? E. is contemplating three boxes of yoghurt mix. Where’s her glasses cloth? And where’s that New Yorker article about the cockatoo in the painting? Glasses cloth. Must find. Cockatoo in painting article. Must find! This tablecloth….dear God. Clear the table, E. Where is glasses cloth?! I’m on a journey. Where is friggin’ article? A journey of rage. I find article! Alexander the Great had a cockatoo. My glasses are filthy. 9.35 am. Sunday August 2 lockdown diary Read paper. Costa hugs a chicken and looks pensive, Marcel Proust’s ‘Swann’s Way’ is now available on audio, read by John Rowe. Who is John Rowe? Google John Rowe. He is in the Wiggles. WTF! Proust in a Wiggle skivvy? Mais non. Walk W. 11 am tidings are not of comfort and joy. We phone scroll through it to safeguard our mental health. Lunch! I sweat through my own little bootcamp. E. practises French. White chocolate lamington! Mum sends photo of lovely native violets. I show E. She says they’re daisies, not violets. We are at breaking point. Telly. Sydney journo reporting from Observatory Hill: ‘government says there are too many people out and about’. E. says maybe journo should go home then. More telly. Phone pings. Samuel Pepys sent me a thumbs up. Bed.

Thursday, July 23 lockdown diary Read paper. Harry’s writing a memoir. Something to look forward to. I remember last night’s dream about not finding the toilet block in a camping ground. Walk dog. Is it more boring to hear about someone else’s dream? Or about how many steps they took yesterday? E. does zoom bootcamp. I finish ‘Night Fishing’. Deeply satisfying. Peace…W’s ears flap in the heater’s currents. 11 am! Gladys! Day two with no Kerry. This is getting out of hand. Lunch! Champagne and burgers. This is not a hard life. E. learns more French. Plus de champagne as well. Slight blur…do we tidy? Surely yes. Dinner! Telly. Belgravia. Mon Dieu! I can’t take it anymore. Pas plus de bonnets! Bed. Saturday, July 25 lockdown diary Bootcamp zoom. Read paper. Sussan Ley fixes the damage caused by the Reef. Walk Woofie. 11 am Gladys. No Kerry! Or Gladys, just grim tidings from sad Brad. Wait til he sees the blustering pustules of outrage gathering on George St. Still, we have the Olympics and a YouTube video of Herman the pigeon and his best friend who’s a chihuahua called Lundy. And the ever hopeful E. learning French. ‘Bon soir Madame LaForge. Ca va?’ I’ve been better. E. asks how I’d greet a business acquaintance. "Comment allez vous and put your damn mask on." Write piece for Seaside Scavenge. Lunch! M. rings from Newcastle to cheer me up: Have we considered a new roof to cope with Sydney hailstorms in the hellish summer to come? Dinner! Telly. Olympics. Shiny hopeful youth hanging from hoops. Bed.

Sunday, lockdown diary. Read paper. Clive Palmer’s an idiot. Walk dog. 11 am - The Gladys tidings. Kerry’s glasses holding up well. Then… I know I did something. Check weather app. Morning tea! Read ‘Night Fishing’ by Vicki Hastrich. Lunch! Blur… Afternoon tea! Fog. Then. I did something? Read more ‘Night Fishing’. Hastrich wouldn’t sit around doing nothing. Check weather app. Then…? Plan dinner. Walk dog. Dinner! Telly. News. Weather! Belgravia. Is Tamsin Grieg related to Edvard Grieg? Imagine being called Gina Grieg. Or Gina Beethoven. Bed. Tuesday, lockdown diary Read paper. Sayonara, Eddie Obeid! Do cryptic crossword of 9 July. E. sprays lemon tree. E. walks dog. Crossword. E. bakes black bean and choc brownies. Crossword. Read ‘Night Fishing’. Hastrich goes solo night-fishing. Gladys and morning tea! Police raided an office birthday party in George St. Cake, food, alcoholic drinks, someone passed out on the floor! My office days were never like this. Lunch! Check emails. Tasks. Then….? Afternoon tea! The E. brownies. Walk dog. Zoom friends. Audio problems. We sound like we’re in a tunnel. We are. Dinner! Telly. Ms Represented. Wow. Send emoji fist pumps to J. Catalyst. A tumour is removed. (Sayonara Eddie Obeid!) Wind. Rain. Bed.

Sunday dawned cool, cloudy and quiet, the city smoked in bushfire burnoffs along river valleys winding to the harbour. CoVid's human being lockdowns have unfurled quiet skies, night birds and happier trees in the city's heart. Crossing the harbour bridge at the limit of my 5 kilometre boundary at times there was not another car in sight. I will treasure the experience of this last day that the city was wreathed in silence. Grief and joy. Death and emergence.

I am a 76 year old female. I live on the Central Coast. I am fully vaccinated. I have no children, grandchildren, partner or pet and live alone. The only close relative I have is my only sister, who is 5 years older and lives also alone in Sydney. During my spare time I work with the Red Cross. I am normally and outgoing person who loves life and am thankful to live in a safe and wonderful country. When the lockdown first started I was happy to relax and let the world slide by. I enjoyed the feeling of no pressure of having to be anywhere such as birthdays and other social events. Also, I was not emotionally blackmailed by family and friends. I wanted to get on with jobs outside but unfortunately, it was winter so I could not paint or do gardening, however, I did finally finish one of my family tree which has been ongoing for over 30 years and will now complete the other 3 families. Any wonder that all my relatives have left it to me to complete. Knowing what I have been forced to learn during this lockdown has been an epiphany, as I felt incompetent before and was awaiting help from other people such as librarians and various sources. This has made me realize that like other problems in my life I have only me to solve it: once learnt I am then the fountain of knowledge for all. At times I felt this lockdown was unfair for someone in my circumstances, as I was not allowed to have a visitor until the final weeks, only then, one consistent person within 5 kilometers. Also, my sister collapsed and was taken to hospital by ambulance. By the evening they put her into a taxi and sent her home, where she was once again alone. I was very concerned for her as she has several problems including her heart. I presumed I would be allowed on compassionate grounds to go to her, but was advised that I was not allowed to go to Sydney as she was in a hot area although, both being fully vaccinated however, if I had been in a relationship with someone I would be allowed to go. So I was not allowed to go unless I was having sex with a partner, where is the common sense in that!!! As we are approaching our final days of lockdown, I am looking forward to be able to see and mix with family and friends again. There were moments when I was depressed and longed for the company of my sister and friends. One day I only utter 2 words all day. If it had not been for the phone and people who called me, I imagine my sanity would not be intact. I am thankful for modern technology. Hopefully, we have all learnt from this disease and we learn to live with it as with the common cold.

A Whirlwind Every emotion, mentally and physically is being attacked, like a shock to the system when the word Lockdown comes to mind. The fallen victims of Suicide due to the lockdown are being unspoken of. To voice yourself is being met with police intimidation and brutality. In the name of health, people are being tackled and arrested for not wearing a mask, society judges you for not wearing a mask. Who knew that breathing fresh air in the sun without a face covering would be committing a crime? If it is for your health, then why is coercion being used. You remember we are human, yet society’s mind is being shoved with dictatorship. Families are being divided and segregated, the vaccinated versus the unvaccinated. I look around and where are peoples human rights, and all I see is media manipulation. You seek the truth but yet it is hidden in the name of a virus. Literature is a place of being open minded to write about every topic or opinion. George Orwell 1984 The further a society drifts from truth the more it will hate those that speak it. Literature is the safe place where we can respect ones opinions. Words are being censored related to the epidemic, even writing this I feel I am being censored. Children are the biggest victims in this. The disabled, the new mothers and babies. Everyday is ground hog day. Lastly In the name of health, why are so many being coerced to get a jab and if not they are met with no jab no job. Losing their livelihoods in the name of health. If it was in the name of health, why isn’t junk and fast food being banned. Why aren’t people given free vitamins to boost their immunity. Today and everyday you question everything. Nothing is making sense. So you Pray that the truth will come out. History repeats itself. Human Rights is Sovereignty You, Every Individual is Sovereign. We all have rights.

Do I really want to write? It all takes such an effort. The lockdowns haven't gone on for very long, my life really has not changed...much...hardly at all really, but whereas I used to be self-motivate and interested in everything now I am not interested in anything. Snippets of information filter through when I bother to turn on the radio - apparently mental health issues such as anxiety and depression are on the rise due to being apart from family and friends and away from work, school or other stimulating environments and especially the freedom to do what we want when we want to. Is it different for aboriginal people in custody and juvenile detention? Surely not, or we wouldn't do that to them, would we? Our hospitals are said to be 'stretched to the limit' but I think they mean the city ones because they also say that we don't have enough/any doctors and nurses in the rural hospitals. How good are we!! Well, not very good at all if we are judged on the state of our rural and remote communities. We have taken many of our historical cultural references from the bush; The Man From Snowy River, The Shearing of the Rams and I Love a Sunburnt Country and that - well we have Buckley's if we haven't learnt from this pandemic that we are only as good as how we treat and care for the people in our rural and remote areas of Australia. Oh, and nature has been so important to us in both our mental and physical health that we must remember to take care of our fauna and flora. Last time I went outside the metropolitan area the country towns were dying, the landscape looked a bit miserable and I didn't see any animals. I hope the next time I can go things will be different but I doubt it. Do you know that the Botanic Gardens in Sydney don't have a Waratah bush, so much for pride/interest in our state. I share your pessimism for our future, for all of us just trying to get on with life with family, friends and a beautiful, healthy environment.