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She leaned over the rail and looked down at the street below. It was the best thing that had happened all day. It was so normal. Just for a few minutes she forgot to be alert and watchful. She went to look at her watch to allow herself five minutes, to make herself stay in this moment for a fixed amount of time, to stop herself from moving away and resuming the focus on doing what had to be done, avoiding people and situations and going straight home. Then she stopped.
She didn’t look at her watch. Instead she took slow careful breaths and then slow relaxed breaths. She looked at the shops but didn’t want to think about the closed doors or the queue outside some shops. She decided to look at the people, not closely. They could not see her. Nonetheless she smiled at each one. In her mind she greeted each person and asked how they were. She pretended that each and every one of them was her friend. It was a preposterous thing to do but it appeared to be what she needed to do to keep on going. Just a few times she concocted a small backstory. Two or three sentences such as “She is my granddaughter’s best friend. She draws anime cartoons. She is very shy.” But that invited some form of judgement so she reverted to greeting and, perhaps, asking about the garden or a dog.
Then, when she was sure that she had properly lost her mind (or that part of it that was making her sad) she said goodbye (in her mind) and walked home.
He asked how she was. “I’m not sure”, she said. And that wasn’t a bad feeling.
She didn’t look at her watch. Instead she took slow careful breaths and then slow relaxed breaths. She looked at the shops but didn’t want to think about the closed doors or the queue outside some shops. She decided to look at the people, not closely. They could not see her. Nonetheless she smiled at each one. In her mind she greeted each person and asked how they were. She pretended that each and every one of them was her friend. It was a preposterous thing to do but it appeared to be what she needed to do to keep on going. Just a few times she concocted a small backstory. Two or three sentences such as “She is my granddaughter’s best friend. She draws anime cartoons. She is very shy.” But that invited some form of judgement so she reverted to greeting and, perhaps, asking about the garden or a dog.
Then, when she was sure that she had properly lost her mind (or that part of it that was making her sad) she said goodbye (in her mind) and walked home.
He asked how she was. “I’m not sure”, she said. And that wasn’t a bad feeling.