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I got the phone call yesterday, about 2pm. "Hello, this is whatever her name was, from the surgery. Your doctor wants you to make an appointment so that he can discuss some test results with you." I have just done a bowel screen test. Could it be that? Has the beast returned? Stay calm, stay polite, mind your language!
The appointment is made and the call ends. Nothing available for two days so I wait until 2.30 tomorrow. I have just retired. My parents are old and need looking after. I have just planted out the vegetable garden. I have the new caravan in the front yard ready to go. I have SO MANY damn things I want to do and none of them involve this. I fought this fight. I won this fight. I was given the all clear to go where I want and do what I want and enjoy life. This is NOT supposed to happen to me, again.
I put the phone away, sat back in the chair and tried not to give fuel to the demons dancing around inside my skull. There is no point worrying. Push it away. Whether it is or whether it isn't, worry isn't going to fix a thing. Good chance it probably isn't. He probably just wants to do a follow up test to make sure. It may be for something completely different. They didn't say it was urgent.
I am sitting here pushing away memories of last time, ignoring the demons, forcing myself to stay positive, but the negative, the fear, the anxiety drip through my defences like water from a leaky pipe. Constant, steady, unrelenting. I can't ignore it completely but I can't submit to it either. What will happen will happen. The beast never really left me.
The appointment is made and the call ends. Nothing available for two days so I wait until 2.30 tomorrow. I have just retired. My parents are old and need looking after. I have just planted out the vegetable garden. I have the new caravan in the front yard ready to go. I have SO MANY damn things I want to do and none of them involve this. I fought this fight. I won this fight. I was given the all clear to go where I want and do what I want and enjoy life. This is NOT supposed to happen to me, again.
I put the phone away, sat back in the chair and tried not to give fuel to the demons dancing around inside my skull. There is no point worrying. Push it away. Whether it is or whether it isn't, worry isn't going to fix a thing. Good chance it probably isn't. He probably just wants to do a follow up test to make sure. It may be for something completely different. They didn't say it was urgent.
I am sitting here pushing away memories of last time, ignoring the demons, forcing myself to stay positive, but the negative, the fear, the anxiety drip through my defences like water from a leaky pipe. Constant, steady, unrelenting. I can't ignore it completely but I can't submit to it either. What will happen will happen. The beast never really left me.